Fat Chicks

Posted on February 29th, 2008 by admin

Ever since I can remember, I have been struggling with my weight. I exited the womb on a diet. I’ve been skinny, fat, and everything in-between. Since about mid-January, I have been trying to eat healthier and work out. T and I joined the Y (that’s short for the YMCA for all your uncool people out there) and I love it. I participate in exercise classes like step aerobics and spinning. T runs on the treadmill and pumps iron. I actually do enjoy exercising. Doing something fun like the aforementioned classes (Note: I’ve never actually said aforementioned before) definitaley makes working out easier. If it’s fun-I’ll do it. As of right now I would consider myself to be in pretty good health. I can do the intense cardio classes without dieing and I don’t need to take a break every 10 minutes like the rest of the sissies in my classes. But I digress. The whole point of this post is to tell you not about my struggle with my weight, but my struggle with food. I just really enjoy eating food. It’s not really one food group (sweets, fats, carbs, etc.) that makes me weak in the knees, it’s pretty much all of them. I usually do pretty well on my diet, but there are just somedays where I want to do nothing but eat. And when I snack constantly all day and eat ungodly amounts of food I turn into an angry, bitter, beotch. This always upsets T because of course I take it all out on him. It’s his fault that I ate so much crap that day. Everything is his fault. He can always tell how poorly I’ve eaten that day by my level of hatred for life. I am working on this little problem of mine. I don’t want to be a beotch, especially a fat one. But, until I come down with some disease that makes me allergic to junk food, it’s going to be an issue. T does what he can to help me. But sometimes the things he says just makes me want to eat more. “Honey, do you really think you need that candy bar?” Hell no I don’t need it-I want it! Guys just don’t get that. Even fat guys can pass by a tray of freshly baked cookies without thinking twice. I would have to eat a cookie and then stick two in my pocket for later.

T has recently done something that he thinks will solve my snacking addiction.

Above is a current shot of our cupboard. Look closely. That is a picture of two fat chicks sitting on the back of a pick-up truck. T has cleverly placed the phrase, “Think before you eat,” above the picture. Apparently, when I open the cupboard in search of fattening snacks I am supposed to look at these chicks and think to myself, “Do I really need to eat something?” Now don’t get me wrong, this picture is shocking and grotesque. But please take a moment to notice what’s actually in our cupboard. On the top left next to the picture is a box of 100 Calorie Snackables. On the bottom shelf you will notice a box of granola bars, another 100 Calorie snack pack, and a bottle of extra virgin olive oil. I don’t really see anything too bad here. Let’s move on shall we?

Here is a shot of our pantry. Our pantry is where we keep spices, snacks, drink mix, pet food, etc. Here, you will see another photo of the super size sisters. This is there to deter me to from unnecessary eating. I wouldn’t want to end up looking like these lovely ladies now would I? Please be sure to notice what’s actually in our pantry. The top shelf is home to reduced fat peanut butter, grain cereal, peanuts, salsa and vitamins. Let’s move down a shelf. Ramen noodles, rice cakes, and Crystal Light drink mix and a lone potato with eyes can be seen here. I don’t really know why that potato is there. But I digress. See anything bad yet? Maybe in the fridge, which is home to the last photo of our lovely ladies.

First off, T and I have a sad food supply. Our fridge is bare. How could there be any fattening food here? The top shelf of the fridge holds low-fat string cheese, beef broth, yogurt, and a bowl of lettuce. On the second shelf you’ll find fat free cottage cheese, light Miracle Whip, fat-free sour cream, and a Brita water pitcher.

You may be wondering why I have such a problem with food in an apartment without any. I really wish I could tell you the answer to that question. If I knew, I’d be sitting here in my size zero low riding jeans and spaghetti tank top with the phrase, “Got Me?” bedazzled across the chest. I really thank T for trying to help me by posting pictures of these large ladies throughout our kitchen. Maybe this will work after-all. I’ll keep you updated.

But…I’ve got to get going. I have box of Thin Mints hiding under my bed that are screaming my name.

P.S. If one of my many blog readers happen to be one of the lovely ladies featured in this post, I’m sorry for poking fun at your obesity. But I have a feeling you’ve both suffered massive heart attacks and are dead anyway.