The Vagina Doctor

Posted on June 26th, 2008 by admin

Warning: The following post contains information about vagina’s.

I knew you’d still be here!

Tuesday afternoon I was blessed with the opportunity to visit the vagina doctor. A more PC term for the vagina doctor is the gynecologist. But Vagina Doctor is much more fun. Women over the age of like 18 should get their vagina’s examined once a year. And when I say ‘examined’ I mean examined by a doctor. You’re perv boyfriend doesn’t count. I was NOT looking forward to this appointment. I don’t think that any woman in their right mind would actually look forward to going to the vagina doctor. It’s just not a fun thing. There are 800 trillion things I’d rather do then that. Like break my leg. Or head butt a mountain goat.

I’d like to share a little bit about how the appointment went down. For those of you who may be young women who have yet to go to their first vagina appointment you might want to come back to PLSF another day. If you’re a young man, then I’m sure that you’ll read this post.

The gyno office was very nice. It was in a “professional” building down the road on the campus of this huge hospital. The office was brand, spanking new. When you walked into the office it was all serene and crap. There was a big fountain and bamboo plants everywhere. So you’re all relaxed and stuff before someone starts jabbing at your goods. I had to fill out a bunch of forms since I had never been there. After waiting around and watching other women walk out of the office I finally got called back. *play doom music*

Once I was in the back the nurse aid (?) weighed me (don’t ask) and then she took my blood pressure. I’m assuming it was good since she didn’t say anything to me. And this doctor’s office was all fancy. The nurse lady and the doctor entered my info onto a laptop. Pretty cool. Hope they sanitize the keyboards often. After the blood pressure and weigh in the nurse lady asked me the normal health related questions blah, blah, blah. Then sent me to the bathroom to pee in a cup. First I had to write my name on the cup with a sharpie. Thank god that most places have the little two way door that you can put the pee in. It avoids the whole, “Hey-here’s my pee” situation. Awkward. Then I was instructed to sit in the little room and wait for the doctor to come in. The doctor came in and did the whole talking thing before I even had to get undressed. Which I actually appreciated. Talking to your doctor is a little more awkward when you’re wearing a paper towel dress. Since I had some time to wait before the doctor (a female dr.) came in I started looking around and inspecting all the tools. I noticed the box full of latex gloves that were “Diamond Grip.” I laughed. Out loud and then it dawned on me that I really needed to blog about going to the vagina doctor!!! I’m a flippin genius. And then it dawned on me again that I should take some pictures of the stuff. I thought it would help add to the post.

Here’s a view of the counter/sink. Not too exciting, but I did notice the usual picture of the uterus/vagina/etc. The pic of the vag was cleverly designed as a dry erase board. I really, REALLY wanted to draw something on it and leave it for the doctor to flip to when she showed it to her next unsuspecting victim. But I didn’t. Next to the vagina picture is a cute little container of adhesive bandages. I was some what alarmed that a vagina doctor has band-aids in the room. Maybe they were special vaginal band-aids. I don’t know. If you look towards the back of the counter you’ll see a blue and white box with thingies in it. I needed to get a better look.

Here’s what was in that box. That box that was labeled Scopettes Jr.

Vag Q-Tip

If these are the Jr.’s I don’t want to know what the regular ones look like. These things were so neat that I had to stick six of them in my purse. A little souvenir for me and five of my friends.

If you look past the vagina q-tip to the table on the left you can see a myriad of lubricants, tools, scrapers, and who knows what. Let’s get a closer look:

Tools of Doom

There’s those Diamond Grip gloves I was talking about earlier. Thank goodnes, because I don’t want any possibility of slipping. And I’m also glad to see that my Dr. wears a size Medium glove. If that box had XXL on the side-I may have left. The table also holds a rolled up tube of lube, and a bunch of tiny bottles of I don’t know what. In the middle you can see a little bottle with a blue top. This is where the vag sample went. I guess it gets sent off to a lab to be checked out. That would be a weird job. The two tall things next to that are what I’m going to refer to as tools of doom. The blue one had this vicious end on it that had this like wide head with all these pointy things on it. The one behind it just had a little scraping thingy on it. And yes, that is a stirrup you see in the foreground of this picture. I’m tensing up just writing this.

Now remember the doctor hadn’t even been in to talk to me yet! I hate how they keep you waiting like that! Finally…she came in. She’s this tiny little lady with big hair and red glasses. She was probably about 45-50 years old. She had cold hands. But she seemed pretty nice. She just asked me the same questions that the nurse lady had and if I had any “issues.” I have issues, but none that I really wanted to tell her about. Then she told me she’d give me some “private time” to let me undress and put on the ungodly thing that they give you to wear. Here’s a picture of the gown.

Vagina Dress

Oh yes! It’s really as comfortable as it looks. And flattering too. They also give you this giant paper towel blanket thing to put over your knees when you’ve got the Dr. all up in there. Thank god, or I’d be able to actually see what she was doing down there. After waiting around in my new outfit she came back in to do the exam.

The exam started with a boob check. She just kinda feels the boobs and that’s it. I think that she should have reminded me to do self-exams, but she didn’t. Although she did notice my tan line and was surprised at my fair skin. Oh boy. And you thought I was going to leave out detail!!! Next it was onto the…well you know. The exam involved a speculum, swab, poky thing, and a finger. I think. She was all like, “You need to relax-you’re not making it any easier on yourself.” I think I even laughed. But not the funny kind of laugh. The nervous ‘is this really happening right now’ laugh. But, honestly the actual exam was done withing one minute. She probably had ten more vagina’s to see that day. She took off her gloves (Diamond Grip), shook my hand and bid me good day.

I’m glad that I took the pictures at the office. I knew you would all be super excited to read about my annual vag exam. I’m sorry if you’re totally grossed out. Wait-no I’m not. You obviously knew what today’s post was going to be about. Next time you’re at the vagina doctor take a look around the room. What size gloves does your gyno wear? Is the relaxing ocean music actually helping you to feel better about the fact that someone is going to be all up in your stuff? No? Didn’t think so. But it’s a fact of female life. At least it only has to happen once a year. Think of it like Christmas or Kwanzaa. Only minus the presents. And fun. Actually it’s nothing like the holidays. Never mind.